Spiritually Numb

This past summer I was struggling.

I was struggling to know whether or not I still believed in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or not. 

I was working full time and attending a ward that I didn't really enjoy. I wasn't able to attend FHE or Institute because of my work schedule and I will openly admit that I wasn't fully attentive at church. I had kind of set myself up for self destruction. It wasn't until I was well into this funk that I realized that I couldn't even remember the last time I had felt the spirit. I had started to read my scriptures more as an item to check off my list rather then as a way to learn, grow, and look for/recieve answers to my already short and scarce prayers. I had let myself become numb to the promptings and direction of the spirit.

I had slowly started digging myself into a ditch full of self-hatred and confusion. I had told myself that I was no good and that I was not capable of becoming anything or anyone more then I already was. I cared more about how many likes posts on social media got. I stressed over the idea of whether I would ever leave that sheltered town of Gilbert or not. I watched all of these girls that are younger then me get married. I looked at post after post of what seemed like perfectly happy people on Facebook and Instagram. I had let Satan slowly come into my life more and fill my head and my heart with so many lies. I let him tell me that I was ugly, annoying, that I would end up alone, that I was stupid, and that I was destinted to stay in that town and watch everyone else continue on with their lives.  I remember looking back on my life and thinking that I was never going to have a testimony as strong as I did when I was in high school. And I believed every single one of those stupid lies. 

Back in July my family and I traveled back East and even toured some of the church history sites. I thought that this would be my moment. The chance I would have to really feel the spirit again and to know that I knew that the gospel was true. I was so excited for this trip. I would go to each place and wait for the spirit to testify to me that this was a sacred place. But honestly, I felt nothing. 

I sat off in the Sacred Grove by myself and still felt nothing. I pulled out my phone and started reading through the Book of Mormon and still felt nothing. I sat there in the quiet and prayed to feel something. I knew what had happened in that very grove of trees and I wanted to have that spiritual confirmation of the events that had taken place there.

I watched the Hill Cumorah Pageant and listened to the story of how we came to have the Book of Mormon, and I still felt nothing. 

I walked through Palmyra and saw the place where the Book of Mormon was printed. I heard the stories of how Jospeh got it printed and even saw with my own eyes the long and tedious process it would be to print copies of the Book of Mormon. I heard Sister Missionaries share their testimonies of the gospel and the trials people had to go through in order for us to have the Book of Mormon. 

I walked up to the top of the Hill Cumorah. The very place where Joseph Smith went as a boy and was shown the plates. 

I walked through the homes and stood on the very same ground of the people who Heavenly Father lead and inspired in the Restoring of the Church. Saw how they lived and heard the stories of how they came to be in the exact places they were when the Church was Restored. I heard dozens of people testify of Heavenly Fathers plan and how perfect it had to be for the truthfullness of the gospel to be Restored at the time and place that it was.

But I still did not feel that burning in my heart and soul telling me the things that I so desperatly wanted to hear. I knew in my head that this was a special experience. I knew in my head that my very ancestors where the ones who played a role in the Restoring of the Gospel. But I couldn't convince my head that I knew it in my heart and soul. 

I remember sitting in my room one night on the verge of tears. I knew that I was not where I needed to be spiritually and I wasn't even sure where to start to get back. I was confused and felt alone. I spent most of that night on my knees crying and pleading with Heavenly Father to help me know what to do and have the strength to make the changes in my life that I needed. I asked for his help to love myself more and to know of my worth. 

I was scared though. 

I was scared that it was going to be too tough and that I wouldn't be strong enough. I was scared that I wouldn't ever be able to feel the spirit again. I was scared. But I forced myself to keep going through the motions. I kept reading my scriptures. I started listening more in church and trying to see if I could feel something. I spent many nights on my knees hoping to have some grand revelation of everything that I was doubting. 

But I got nothing. 

I didn't get some grand revelation. I was suddenly struck by the spirit stronger then I had ever felt before. I didn't wake up one morning knowing exactly who I was and what I was capable of. It just didn't happen like that. At one point I had kind of given up on the whole thing. It was at that time that something did happen. 

I was sitting in Relief Society when I looked up on the board and saw this quote. 

"You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!"

It was this quote from President Dieter F. Uchtdorf that started changing things for me. For the first time in what seemed like the longest months of my life, I recognized the spirit testifing to me that I was important and that Heavenly Father knows what is going on with me. I felt hopefully. I continued to pray and read my scriptures. I pulled out my Patriarchal Blessing for the first time in probably a year. I reread and recieved knew understanding of the things that are written in there for me. I was starting to feel like myself again.

I came to realize that I still had a testimony the entire time. I had taken the gospel and the companionship of the Holy Ghost for granted and my own human logic/instinct told me that I was good enough, that I was strong enough to handle things on my own. It was in those moments of weakness that I believe I started passing by the promptings of the Holy Ghost. It was in those moments when I thought I knew better then Heavenly Father. I was in those moments that I left the door just slightly open to Satan. And he took full advantage of it. He knew he could get me to question my beliefs, to question myself because of my own pride and human nature.

But thankfully another person was in tune with the spirit. I know that that girl in Relief Society was inspiried to share that quote with us. With me. She may not have realized or even thought that her lesson impacted someone, but it helped me in more ways then she will ever realize.

It hasn't been easy. There are still times when I struggle, but knowing that I have a Father in Heaven that loves me and knows what I am going through brings me hope during the rough times.