Wake Up And Smell The Reality
Starting college I had this idea in my head that I was going to be a completely different person! I was going to be nicer and friendlier and start more conversations with people. I was going to be more involved with things and have something to do every night because I had put myself out there! I would try things that I would usually say no to, I would become friends with and do so many things that I would never have to worry about sitting at my apartment alone on a Friday night. I would be funny and outgoing and people would love me. I would remember who I am though. I wouldn't get homesick. I would love college so much that I would never want to leave!!
For the most part of first semester of college I was a lot of those things. Then something happened. It happened kind of slow at first and then one day it just kind of hit me that something had changed. It seemed to me that all of my friends had continued to make friends and go out and do things and have a great time, and for some reason I wasn't. I didn't really realize that it happened until one night. I was sitting on my couch waiting to see if something fun was going on that night. I watched as my roommates walked out the door laughing off to hang out with people and just have a great time. I watched as suddenly I found myself completely alone. I was the only home. What had happened? Why was I home alone? Where was everyone tonight? Why hadn't someone invited me along? Did they expect me to just follow? Was I allowed to just follow? I was confused and hurt. I told myself though that I would not be hurt. I was going to suck it up and not let it get to me! I told myself that I wanted, I needed this night by myself. I put on my pajamas, pulled out some blankets, popped some popcorn, and turned on a movie. I had a great night! It was refreshing and nice to have some time to myself!! I went to bed early and for once in what seemed like months I actually got a really good night of sleep. I climbed under my covers that night saying that this was great! It was nice to recharge my batteries and have some time to think about my life and where I am going. I told myself that tomorrow it would be nice to go out with my friends again though.
Well tomorrow night rolled around and once again I suddenly found myself alone in my apartment. It seemed almost like all of my roommates had suddenly disappeared. I didn't know where they had gone, but I had a pretty good idea. I thought once again that this was fine. I would hang out at home and have some me time. But it happened again the next night. And the next. And basically every night for a month. I was confused. I was hurt. I felt childish. There were many nights, actually almost every night where I found myself calling home in tears. I would tell my mom that I felt like they didn't want to hang out with me. That I felt awkward around them now because they never invited me along with them. I felt like my roommates and friends had suddenly forgotten about me. I could see and feel them pulling farther and farther away and I hated it. I felt so childish though. They couldn't have been doing this on purpose. But they never asked me what I was doing that night before they left. They never asked me if I was okay. They never said anything when I quickly tried to wipe away tears when they would walk in suddenly. They would never make a comment if they came home to grab something and saw that I was home alone. Nothing.
I felt so childish and stupid! This was stuff that was supposed to happen to children. I was jealous. I was hurt. I was so confused. I tried and tried to think of what I might have done to suddenly have them not want to hang out with me anymore. I couldn't come with an answer though. I found myself being that very shy girl that I used to be when I was younger. And that's what hurt the most. I had spent so many years trying to stop being shy. To grow out of my shell. To be that person who was fun and outgoing and that people wanted to be around. But suddenly all of that had disappeared.
I tried to talk to one of my roommates about everything that was going on one night. It didn't go as I had expected though. I thought she would be super understanding and sweet and say that she didn't realize it was happening. I thought she would make an effort to make sure I was invited to come along every night. But that isn't what happened. I didn't expect the reaction I got from her at all. Instead of understanding and sympathy, I got something totally different. She was mad at me! I was the one who felt like everyone hated her and didn't want to be around them and she was mad at me! She told me that I was being fake at the beginning of the semester then! She felt like I had done them wrong almost and that came as a shock to me! I hadn't been fake! I was being me! I acted the same way around them that I act around my family! Yet I some how found myself reverting back to that elementary school girl who was so shy and had basically no friends. I tried to explain to her that I was homesick and it wasn't helping anything that I felt left out. That night I went to bed feeling even worse about myself. I know she didn't mean for it to end up that way, but it did.
About a week or two before the end of the semester though something changed. I found myself almost pushing my way back into the group. I made it known that I was going out with these people even when I felt like maybe I wasn't exactly invited. Somehow it worked. I found myself being the same person I was at the beginning of the semester. I still took a night or two for myself, but I found myself being busy and happy again. There was just one problem. I already had an idea of how the next semester would go.
You see I wasn't rooming with the same girls anymore. Instead they were all moving in with our friends who happen to live next door. I knew what this would mean. And honestly for the most part I have been right. It is almost like it was during those two weeks of feeling alone. I mean yes I have new roommates and yes I can go next door and hang out with them. But I no longer get invited to the midnight McDonald's or Maverick's runs. I can actually hear them laughing and having a good time almost every night as they go to their cars and back. I still see and talk to them. It just isn't the same. My new roommates even seem to have made a group within themselves. I mean don't get me wrong I feel like I can actually join in their group a lot more then last semester. But I find myself sitting on my couch doing homework, or watching friends, or like tonight...blogging. Man do I sound basic when I say that. It is kind of nice. But it is nice to feel wanted too.
I guess that's what it really boils down to. Feeling wanted.
I know that this all sounds so depressing and like I'm trying to get some sort of pity from the like four people who might actually read my blog, but in all reality, I don't know what I want. To feel wanted? Yes. But why put it out in the world then? Why not just buck up and walk next door and make me presence known? I don't have an answer. Honestly. I have no clue. Maybe I'm worried that, in the words of my mom, "it will get bad again" and I will call home crying. I don't know. For now though, I guess I am fine sitting on my couch. Tomorrow night though, I probably won't be okay with it.
For the most part of first semester of college I was a lot of those things. Then something happened. It happened kind of slow at first and then one day it just kind of hit me that something had changed. It seemed to me that all of my friends had continued to make friends and go out and do things and have a great time, and for some reason I wasn't. I didn't really realize that it happened until one night. I was sitting on my couch waiting to see if something fun was going on that night. I watched as my roommates walked out the door laughing off to hang out with people and just have a great time. I watched as suddenly I found myself completely alone. I was the only home. What had happened? Why was I home alone? Where was everyone tonight? Why hadn't someone invited me along? Did they expect me to just follow? Was I allowed to just follow? I was confused and hurt. I told myself though that I would not be hurt. I was going to suck it up and not let it get to me! I told myself that I wanted, I needed this night by myself. I put on my pajamas, pulled out some blankets, popped some popcorn, and turned on a movie. I had a great night! It was refreshing and nice to have some time to myself!! I went to bed early and for once in what seemed like months I actually got a really good night of sleep. I climbed under my covers that night saying that this was great! It was nice to recharge my batteries and have some time to think about my life and where I am going. I told myself that tomorrow it would be nice to go out with my friends again though.
Well tomorrow night rolled around and once again I suddenly found myself alone in my apartment. It seemed almost like all of my roommates had suddenly disappeared. I didn't know where they had gone, but I had a pretty good idea. I thought once again that this was fine. I would hang out at home and have some me time. But it happened again the next night. And the next. And basically every night for a month. I was confused. I was hurt. I felt childish. There were many nights, actually almost every night where I found myself calling home in tears. I would tell my mom that I felt like they didn't want to hang out with me. That I felt awkward around them now because they never invited me along with them. I felt like my roommates and friends had suddenly forgotten about me. I could see and feel them pulling farther and farther away and I hated it. I felt so childish though. They couldn't have been doing this on purpose. But they never asked me what I was doing that night before they left. They never asked me if I was okay. They never said anything when I quickly tried to wipe away tears when they would walk in suddenly. They would never make a comment if they came home to grab something and saw that I was home alone. Nothing.
I felt so childish and stupid! This was stuff that was supposed to happen to children. I was jealous. I was hurt. I was so confused. I tried and tried to think of what I might have done to suddenly have them not want to hang out with me anymore. I couldn't come with an answer though. I found myself being that very shy girl that I used to be when I was younger. And that's what hurt the most. I had spent so many years trying to stop being shy. To grow out of my shell. To be that person who was fun and outgoing and that people wanted to be around. But suddenly all of that had disappeared.
I tried to talk to one of my roommates about everything that was going on one night. It didn't go as I had expected though. I thought she would be super understanding and sweet and say that she didn't realize it was happening. I thought she would make an effort to make sure I was invited to come along every night. But that isn't what happened. I didn't expect the reaction I got from her at all. Instead of understanding and sympathy, I got something totally different. She was mad at me! I was the one who felt like everyone hated her and didn't want to be around them and she was mad at me! She told me that I was being fake at the beginning of the semester then! She felt like I had done them wrong almost and that came as a shock to me! I hadn't been fake! I was being me! I acted the same way around them that I act around my family! Yet I some how found myself reverting back to that elementary school girl who was so shy and had basically no friends. I tried to explain to her that I was homesick and it wasn't helping anything that I felt left out. That night I went to bed feeling even worse about myself. I know she didn't mean for it to end up that way, but it did.
About a week or two before the end of the semester though something changed. I found myself almost pushing my way back into the group. I made it known that I was going out with these people even when I felt like maybe I wasn't exactly invited. Somehow it worked. I found myself being the same person I was at the beginning of the semester. I still took a night or two for myself, but I found myself being busy and happy again. There was just one problem. I already had an idea of how the next semester would go.
You see I wasn't rooming with the same girls anymore. Instead they were all moving in with our friends who happen to live next door. I knew what this would mean. And honestly for the most part I have been right. It is almost like it was during those two weeks of feeling alone. I mean yes I have new roommates and yes I can go next door and hang out with them. But I no longer get invited to the midnight McDonald's or Maverick's runs. I can actually hear them laughing and having a good time almost every night as they go to their cars and back. I still see and talk to them. It just isn't the same. My new roommates even seem to have made a group within themselves. I mean don't get me wrong I feel like I can actually join in their group a lot more then last semester. But I find myself sitting on my couch doing homework, or watching friends, or like tonight...blogging. Man do I sound basic when I say that. It is kind of nice. But it is nice to feel wanted too.
I guess that's what it really boils down to. Feeling wanted.
I know that this all sounds so depressing and like I'm trying to get some sort of pity from the like four people who might actually read my blog, but in all reality, I don't know what I want. To feel wanted? Yes. But why put it out in the world then? Why not just buck up and walk next door and make me presence known? I don't have an answer. Honestly. I have no clue. Maybe I'm worried that, in the words of my mom, "it will get bad again" and I will call home crying. I don't know. For now though, I guess I am fine sitting on my couch. Tomorrow night though, I probably won't be okay with it.
Hey Sam, I found your blog after checking out In the Head of Al. This post pretty much describes my college experience. I left BYU-I last Spring. I had awesome roommates and had tons of fun experiences, but for the most part especially during my last semester, and it was really hard. I know you're shy and it can be hard to even introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you in class, but you'd be surprised to know that there is where you might make some of your best friends. There are so many different opportunities to make friends on campus, you just have to be brave enough to try a few. Join a club or Academic Society (that way you'll know you already have at least one thing in common with the people there),or go to weekly dances, Relief Society is also a great place to make friends, and fulfilling your calling too! I can pretty much guarantee that will meet life long friends in that special place. You can invite people to do stuff rather and plan activities rather than just maybe tagging along (that was a huge help to me). Some of my very best friends are former home teachers, FHE brothers, roommates and neighbors. It can be really hard, and I know it's scary because you don't want to feel rejected or unwanted, but you'll never know if you don't try. Good luck with the rest of your semester!
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