"Start Where You Are"

It is amazing how powerful Satan can be. It is amazing how he can make you feel so alone, so inadequate, so useless. He can make you reevaluate your entire life and then make you think that everything you have done, or that you ever have wanted has failed. He can make you feel like a complete failure.

That is where I am right now.

The complete failure part.

And the thing is, I know how to fix the problem.

It's just so hard.

I know that I'm supposed to read my scriptues, and pray, and trust in the Lords plan for me, but right now, that's a lot easier said then done.

I recently went on a quick trip to Utah with my brother, his roommate, and one of my roommates. I had already been kind of feeling down on myself but this trip had really helped me to forget about everything that I have been feeling. At least until the drive home.

I started thinking about my life, because that's what I like to do on drives, and I realized that there were so many things that I want to do, and right now I feel like I am failing at every single one.

I want to get married.

Yet I am so freaking single.

I want to travel the country.

But I am broke and have no car.

I want to just be done with school already.

Except I am not even close to being done and my grades are what I want them to be.

I think that's the hardest part for me. I feel like I am stuck in this point in my life. I don't know what's going to happen. And I don't like it. I am someone who likes to know where I am going. I like to know what is coming next. And right now, my life is kind of up to the Lord.

I told one of my roommates of the things I have been kind of struggling with tonight, and I think she said it perfectly. She said "college is just an awkward phase of life where we don't really belong anywhere." I think this is especially true when you go to a school like mine. People come here to get married as well as get an education. So if you're not married, or if you haven't sworn off dating completely, then you are kind of in this awkward phase where you are stuck because you're still going to school, but you haven't really taken any steps forward in your life. So you pray and read your scriptures and try to have faith that the Lord has a plan for you.

But why is it so hard?

I tell so many people to just have faith in the Lord and to remember who they are and that they will make it through this because they were made to endure! But now I find myself sitting in my room wanting to climb under the covers and possibly never come out. Why is that?

Because I am human.

Because I make mistakes.

Because I let Satan get into my head and tell me that I am a failure and that I will never get to do the things I want or become the person I want to be! That I will never amount to anything. That I am destined to be alone forever. That all the progress I have made has actually just been me taking steps backwards.

Okay so I am stuck in this uncomfortable inbetween phase of life.

I'm not dating anyone.

I'm not done with school.

I don't have a ton of money.

I don't have a car.

I'm not traveling the country.

But for now, I am going to try my hardest, and pray like crazy that things start getting better soon. Like the quote says, He didn't open it, but rather He helped them through it. I find that so comforting. While I may feel alone now, while we all may feel alone at times, we are never truly alone. He will help us through it.

So maybe I kind of figured things out while writing all of this. But in reality I just reminded myself of what I already knew. Sometimes it just takes a tough spot in life, a good cry, and some devine intervention to remind you of it.

While nothing is fixed, they are reminders me that I am not finished. I have the rest of my life ahead and He will help me through it. So I am going to take President Uchtdorfs advice and start where I am. I will start trying to remember the things I have learned. I am going to start remembering who I am. I am going to have more patience and faith. I am going to try and become more of what the Lord wants me to become. Afterall, "he takes us as we are - and make us more than we ever imagined." This means that He will take me, everytime, no matter how I am, or what I am going through. He will make me more than I ever thought possible if I will come to Him. If I do put my trust in Him. So that's what I am going to try to do. I'm not going to focus on where I have been or the person that I used to be, I am going to start with how I am now.