Why I Am Not Going On A Mission
I wanted to write a post about the pressures that young women my age face about either serving a mission or getting married. I even wrote out almost an entire post about it. Yet I found it really hard to write. I didn't know what I wanted to say and nothing that I was writing sounded like what I wanted it to be. Instead, I kept thinking back to my experiences and why I am not going to serve a mission now.
There was a time when I seriously thought I was going to serve a mission. Let me start by saying that I never had the desire to serve all growing up, but the summer before my senior year I had this overwhelming sense that I need to be a missionary. As the school year progressed, I found that my testimony grew stronger then it had ever been before! I still applied to colleges because I wanted to have all my options arranged for when I would get home from my mission. I had told my parents, my siblings, even some of my extended family about my decision to serve. Yet I didn't attend mission prep. I didn't even feel the pull to go. I didn't tell my bishop, not because I didn't want to or I felt like I couldn't, I just didn't think to. In fact, the further I got into my senior year, the less a mission was even on my mind.
On January 17th 2014, I received an email that changed my life. I had been accepted to Brigham Young University-Idaho. I was thrilled! I was still waiting to hear back from BYU, but I immediately knew Idaho was were I needed to be. I didn't know why, in fact I still don't, but I did not care what BYU's answer was. I already knew in my heart that I needed to be in Idaho. I never once felt like I should be somewhere else. I was never nervous that I was making the wrong mistake by moving up there. I had this instant assurance that Idaho is where I need to be.
So that was it. I finished up my senior year, made all the arrangements to move to Idaho, and when September hit, I was gone. I didn't even think about serving a mission again.
Coming back home a few months ago however, I felt the pressure to go and serve. There is just one problem though, I no longer feel the need, the desire, to go out and serve. I am not saying that I don't think that it wouldn't be an incredible experience, but I no longer feel like it is what I need to be doing. For example, I have a cousin who is just a few months younger then me who is currently serving a mission. While we were at her farewell, my brother turned to me several times and told me that he thinks I should serve a mission. It was a very hard day for me surprisingly. I thought a lot about why I didn't feel the desire to serve any more. I listened to her story, which happened to be a lot like mine. She didn't grow up with the desire or knowledge that she was going to serve a mission, yet one day she received a prompting telling her that she needed to serve. The only difference is though, she is currently serving.
I did some serious thinking that day about my life and why I no longer had the prompting to serve. I thought about all my decisions and whether they were the right ones. I thought back to high school and if something I had done had made it so I wasn't the person I needed to be to serve. Honestly, I was emotional distraught. I read my Patriarchal blessing over and over again looking at everything that might have something to do with missionary work and contemplated whether that meant I should serve or not. I still didn't feel the desire to serve though. I felt pressured to say yes to going on a mission. It wasn't until later that I came to a conclusion. I wrote the following in my journal that night.
Earlier I wrote that I am not going on a mission now. I would like to think that someday I will be able to serve a mission with my eternal companion. So for now, I am not going to serve a mission, but someday I might.
So for those who keep asking, no. I am not going to serve a mission. And for those who ask if I am planning on getting married any time soon, I don't know. I mean I don't have a boyfriend and that usually comes before marriage so I don't see it happening any time soon. I don't know what is in store for me. I still don't even know why I need to be in Idaho, but for right now I am focusing on myself. On working toward my degree. On being an everyday missionary still. On standing up for what I believe. I am working on myself.
There was a time when I seriously thought I was going to serve a mission. Let me start by saying that I never had the desire to serve all growing up, but the summer before my senior year I had this overwhelming sense that I need to be a missionary. As the school year progressed, I found that my testimony grew stronger then it had ever been before! I still applied to colleges because I wanted to have all my options arranged for when I would get home from my mission. I had told my parents, my siblings, even some of my extended family about my decision to serve. Yet I didn't attend mission prep. I didn't even feel the pull to go. I didn't tell my bishop, not because I didn't want to or I felt like I couldn't, I just didn't think to. In fact, the further I got into my senior year, the less a mission was even on my mind.
On January 17th 2014, I received an email that changed my life. I had been accepted to Brigham Young University-Idaho. I was thrilled! I was still waiting to hear back from BYU, but I immediately knew Idaho was were I needed to be. I didn't know why, in fact I still don't, but I did not care what BYU's answer was. I already knew in my heart that I needed to be in Idaho. I never once felt like I should be somewhere else. I was never nervous that I was making the wrong mistake by moving up there. I had this instant assurance that Idaho is where I need to be.
So that was it. I finished up my senior year, made all the arrangements to move to Idaho, and when September hit, I was gone. I didn't even think about serving a mission again.
Coming back home a few months ago however, I felt the pressure to go and serve. There is just one problem though, I no longer feel the need, the desire, to go out and serve. I am not saying that I don't think that it wouldn't be an incredible experience, but I no longer feel like it is what I need to be doing. For example, I have a cousin who is just a few months younger then me who is currently serving a mission. While we were at her farewell, my brother turned to me several times and told me that he thinks I should serve a mission. It was a very hard day for me surprisingly. I thought a lot about why I didn't feel the desire to serve any more. I listened to her story, which happened to be a lot like mine. She didn't grow up with the desire or knowledge that she was going to serve a mission, yet one day she received a prompting telling her that she needed to serve. The only difference is though, she is currently serving.
I did some serious thinking that day about my life and why I no longer had the prompting to serve. I thought about all my decisions and whether they were the right ones. I thought back to high school and if something I had done had made it so I wasn't the person I needed to be to serve. Honestly, I was emotional distraught. I read my Patriarchal blessing over and over again looking at everything that might have something to do with missionary work and contemplated whether that meant I should serve or not. I still didn't feel the desire to serve though. I felt pressured to say yes to going on a mission. It wasn't until later that I came to a conclusion. I wrote the following in my journal that night.
"...it was really interesting hearing her talk because she had a lot of similar experiences to me from two years ago when I thought I was going on a mission. I really thought that I needed to go back then, but it is interesting because I don't feel like that anymore. As she was speaking, I was thinking about all of this. I think, looking back, that it was more that I needed to be more of an everyday missionary rather then go on an actual mission. Looking back to senior year especially, I think I was more of a missionary then ever before."I really think that is true. When I started my senior year out, I made a goal to put myself out there more and to share my testimony more with those around me. I honestly do not know if it made an impact on anyone around me, but it definitely helped me. I learned so much during that time and I feel like I grew in so many ways. I saw and began to recognize the Lord's hand in my life more and I truly feel like I became more in tune with the spirit. I feel like my life had taken incredible leaps and bounds from where it had been just a year prior. I felt like a completely new and better version of myself. Being that person really prepared me for so many experiences that I had later on.
Earlier I wrote that I am not going on a mission now. I would like to think that someday I will be able to serve a mission with my eternal companion. So for now, I am not going to serve a mission, but someday I might.
So for those who keep asking, no. I am not going to serve a mission. And for those who ask if I am planning on getting married any time soon, I don't know. I mean I don't have a boyfriend and that usually comes before marriage so I don't see it happening any time soon. I don't know what is in store for me. I still don't even know why I need to be in Idaho, but for right now I am focusing on myself. On working toward my degree. On being an everyday missionary still. On standing up for what I believe. I am working on myself.
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