Becoming Me (Again)

Sometimes I look back to a year ago, even two years ago, and I realize that I am a different person then I was back then. At this point I can probably guess what you are thinking. It probably goes a little something like this. "Duh Sam. Everybody is different then they person they were two years ago." The only thing is, until a couple of months ago, I wasn't incredibly happy with the person I had become.

When I started college I was so excited to live on my own, to meet new people, to step out of my comfort zone, to learn new things, go new places, and really show people who I am. I did a lot of that. But somewhere along the way I kind of lost myself. I didn't get involved in terrible things. I didn't changes my values. I didn't do any of that. I just kind of became...not myself. 

Now let me add here that I don't regret anything I did, or blame any one or anything for really making me lose myself. I know that in the end it was really me, but I don't regret it. I know things now about life, and mostly about myself, that I didn't know before all of this. 

One night, when my roommate at the time and I were up late per usual having our nightly chats, I told her how I felt like no one in our group of friends really knew the real me. I didn't know how to explain it then, and I didn't want it to seem like I had been lying to everyone or that no one noticed me or anything, but I had let myself slip into the background of everything. I had very quickly become someone who tagged along and didn't really talk. Eventually I became almost numb. I didn't get any real excitement out of the things everyone was doing, or the places they were going. I saw all of them in their usual happy and almost carefree kind of attitude, and I convinced myself that I was bringing them down. That they wouldn't want to hang out with someone who had nothing to offer in the group. I would spend a lot of nights at home by myself. I would spend hours on the phone with my mom crying because I felt so alone. I wasn't myself. It wasn't until my next semester that I started noticing what had made me start losing myself. 

I left for school with certain dreams and expectations for how my life would go. When I got there however, it was not like I had expected. I quickly noticed how others around me seemed to have everything that I thought was going to immediately come to me. So without truly realizing it, I started trying to become like them. I wore things, or watched movies, or picked up phrases, or went places that normally I wouldn't have. Not that any of these things were bad, but I tried so hard to "fit" into a group that was so diverse, that I forgot to just be me. Occasionally things would happen and I would find myself being so happy, because I was being myself. I didn't realize though that I was breaking myself down. 

The next semester I went into it with a whole new attitude. I had kind of started to find myself again during Christmas break when I was home, and I was determined to show my new roommates who I was and just start fresh. The first few weeks were kind of difficult, but I prayed every day that the Lord would help me to love these girls and that we would become close. And oh boy did we become close! I learned more about myself, and became more myself within the first month of living with these girls then my entire first semester of college! I still wasn't the same person that I was the summer before, but I was a newer and better version instead! I was happy with who I was. I was more confident, and people noticed. I was friendly and more outgoing. I put myself out there and when I went out on adventures, I took time to still enjoy the things that I love too. Then it seemed to kind of change again. 

I had come into this new semester focused on becoming a better me. I wanted so many things to change within me, and for the most part they had. But then it went kind of down hill again. Because of a guy. I know so cliche right? But it's the truth. I already considered him a friend but the more he was around the more I noticed myself trying to fit into this box of what I thought he would want in a girl. The more I found myself being like "oh yeah I don't like that either" or "yep I like that too" or even "he is literally describing me right now". Not to say that some of it wasn't true, but I was starting to make decisions based on the idea of "what would so-and-so think if I wore this/said this/did this". I'm not saying that I was completely turning my life around because of this guy, and luckily it all kind of happened within a month before I moved back home, but it definitely made an impact on me. 

After moving home is when I really noticed how much I had changed. When I came home, I started living my life more of how I want to live it for the rest of my life. I am still working on it, but I am becoming the kind of person that I want to be. The kind of person that I had always envisioned. The kind of person that I want to be for my future family. The kind of person that I want some guy to fall in love with some day. I want to be the person that my parents, my siblings, my Heavenly Father, and I are all proud of. That is the person that I am trying to become. So I am turning to the Lord. He has helped me so much this past year, and I know that he can continue helping me to become the person that I want, the person that I need to be. 

I could keep going about the kind of friend I want to be. The kind of wife and mother that I want to be. The kind of church member, the kind of employee, the kind of sibling and daughter, but I think it is changing the older I get. I am discovering and rediscovering things about myself. I am finding more and more the kinds of things that I want to accomplish. So I don't have a definite answer on the kind of person that I really want to be. I am happy with who I am now. Please don't think that I am not. I am happier now then I was seven months ago. All I know is that I want to be a better version of me. 

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